THOMAS TUCHEL has been England manager for two days now and we are still no closer to winning the World Cup.
I guess that's what happens when you put a German in charge.
As silly as that sounds, the pressure put on the first of our 'cousins' from across the North Sea to get the top job in English football cannot be underestimated – assuming it is still thought that way.
It doesn't help that Tuchel's predecessor Gareth Southgate, the embodiment of genteel English stoicism, was knighted exactly 24 hours before the German officially completed his historic move on New Year's Day.
There is a lot for Tuchel to sort out as he embarks on an 18-month mission to find the 'little details' he believes stand in the way of a second World Cup win, alongside that of 1966.
On the pitch, he inherits a squad that is in good form, with promotion to the top level of the Nations League and a squad that is well balanced with experience and youthful vigor.
Off the pitch, Tuchel's appointment is an opportunity for England as a fanbase and as a country to show what a forward-thinking bunch we can be.
The competitive relationship between us and Germany is deep. From wars to sports, to who brews the best beer and who can drink more of it.
In football, the rivalry is quite one-sided. Three World Cups for Germany in its various forms since we won our only one during the Cold War, 59 years ago.
They have won three European Championship titles compared to our two losing performances in the final.
You can say that armed conflicts have gone our way, but in 2025 it will be 80 years since the end of the Second World War.
An entirely more serious gathering than two groups of men in shorts chasing a ball, but it quickly fades from memory.
Yet there remains a small but pathetic insular divide among English fans who enjoy looking back and reminding the Germans of the experiences of their bomber crews in the RAF, or questioning any other country about what they did when the war broke out.
With a good-humored Bavarian leading the national team, it will be embarrassing if one of these songs breaks out during a match.
Fortunately, we've been given such a dismal World Cup qualifying group, made up of Serbia, Albania, Latvia and Andorra, that it's unlikely they will.
However, the sight of Tuchel turning up at Premier League matches to study his players – and those who want to be his players – is a unique opportunity to put that archaic way of thinking aside once and for all.
Great strides have been made in stamping out the more aggressive right-wing 'patriotism' with enormous support from Britain.
Southgate failed to win a trophy, but part of the reason he is honored as Sir must be his achievement in making it cool to follow the Three Lions again.
Tuchel will take things in a different direction, but what a moment for England to show, in sport at least, that this country is a true meritocracy.
As usual, it was all about us and how we feel about hiring a German as head of the national men's football team.
It would be hugely enlightening to find out how those back home in Krumbach have reacted to Tuchel taking the Wembley performance into next summer's World Cup final.
If they are appalled, dismissive or denigrating at the thought of a German ruling England, so much the better for us to embrace him as one of our own.
Take this out of the game
WHEN West Ham keeper Lukasz Fabianski clattered to the ground after a heavy collision with Southampton defender Nathan Wood, he lay completely still.
Chelsea's legendary hardman Ron Harris once told me bluntly that you know when a player is seriously injured because he lies completely still.
He should know.
What Chopper would think of the antics of some of today's Chelsea divas would be fascinating to learn.
Pedro Neto and Marc Cucurella have sullied the names of serious injury victims everywhere with their acting.
First, Cucurella crashed into the shoulder of Brentford's Vitaly Janelt to convince referee Peter Bankes to award Chelsea a free-kick after rolling on the deck in mock pain.
Even more ridiculous, Neto launched himself at the passing figure of Fulham's Alex Iwobi, rebounded and then performed an impressive 'caterpillar' breakdance move while lying horizontally, holding his face and even looking up to see if referee Sam Barrott had noticed.
Chelsea have a fantastic team of footballers and a really nice manager in Enzo Maresca.
They don't have to resort to these antics.
They embarrass their head coach and take the shine off the great job he does.
Mind you, he could easily literally wipe it out.
Get Chopper out on the training pitch and even at the age of 80 he can demonstrate the art of really hard tackling. The diving would soon stop.
Matrap is so soft
IF you hit an emergency services worker, you risk two years in prison and an unlimited fine. And rightly so.
Certain groups need the full force of the law to protect them from rioters, thugs and idiots – call them whatever you want – who think they can behave as they please.
With this in mind we turn to Wolves' Matheus Cunha, who has been banned for just two games after assaulting an Ipswich guard.
The Brazilian grabbed the man by the neck and then ripped off his glasses as Wolves lost to Town last month.
It wasn't the worst case of violence you'll ever experience.
But when super-fit footballers are pumped up, they go for regular staff members, that crosses a line.
There should be a minimum ban of six matches for even getting your hands on one in an aggressive manner.
That's what you get for spitting, and this is just as distasteful.
Worth 2 Bob
TAMWORTH have splashed out a lot of money, charging £42 for a ticket to see them play Tottenham in the third round of the FA Cup. It costs £38 to be on the terraces.
Some say the National League club needs to raise prices to generate revenue for growth.
Others label it a rip-off. Both are valid points.
The real argument should be about pricing policy, given the level of opposition.
Tottenham, 11th in the Prem, are one of the most expensive teams in the country to watch, but in their current tizzy many fans wouldn't give you two bob for their team.
Fitting tribute
THANK YOU to West Ham, who posted a photo of my late brother on their big screen among other fans who died in 2024, before the Liverpool game.
John was a dedicated and frustrated Hammer. We are still shocked by his death last July.
Even the 5-0 defeat that followed seemed appropriate given his volatile relationship with our family's club for almost 61 years. He would approve.
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